Allowing someone to live rent-free in your head

I love this phrase. Especially because that is exactly what I am doing. The phrase fits my circumstance perfectly. Have you ever done that? For example, someone upsets you at work, at home, in your social life or in your romantic life, instead of dealing with it appropriately with the person, you let them have the last word and keep ruminating on it, long past the time when it is helpful or useful.

Do you have a boss who speaks in generalizations? Instead of naming the person who has committed the infraction, they make statements that include the entire staff: “When hedge clippers make a circular motion, rather than a linear motion with their shears, it makes the appearance of the hedge irregular, rather than smooth.”

This suggests that an entire department of hedge clippers is doing this, when in actuality, only the center hedge trimmer is doing this, however, their work is so visible that it makes everyone else’s work look bad, when it is only one person who has spoiled the team effort. Rather than address the transgressor, as a good manager should, they speak in generalities. You, who have been trimming your section of the hedge impeccably, are furious. Instead of addressing the boss, you keep this inside of you and keep replaying it in your head, playing out the way that you think it should have gone, or imagining yourself speaking to your manager and telling him how you feel about being “accused” of a wrong doing that he knows you didn’t commit.

This solves nothing. It keeps the bad feeling alive, long after it should have been put to rest.

I had this experience recently, (oh good, I am speaking about it as though it’s in the past…maybe that’s a good sign.) I have been carrying on about being treated badly by someone, when I just needed to put them in the “dead to me” category and move on. I have worn out my friends on the subject, that’s how I know who my real friends are, they are still listening and one of them said to me: You are allowing him to live rent free in your head. That stuck with me. I am (or was) doing that. Gradually, I got him into the front foyer and now I have almost completely moved him out the door. Recognizing this fact was an “aha” moment for me. I am better than that. I deserve better and I will not settle for less. Sounds great! Following through on this is not as difficult as I thought. Now, to decide what comes next.